A Cosmic World View

Astrology is like a gateway drug to a more cosmic world view. ~Ruby Warrington

Conversations that cause me to think about the bigger picture, about the reasons behind my reactions, well, those are my favorite kind (even though they're the most difficult and, oftentimes, the most painful, because they force me to grow and to change).

A few weeks ago, I was talking about my control issues--specifically the ones related to romantic relationships and, within them, my financial freedom and my living situation. I've been attributing these issues to an ex-boyfriend for nearly a decade, but, after this particular conversation, I had a light-bulb moment and realized things go much, much deeper than that. 

***

I grew up with a bipolar mom. Since her death by suicide in 2016, I've accepted, embraced, that she did the very best she could. In everything. Always. But my home life wasn't stable. One day, my mom praised my dad, my sister, and I. And the next, one or all of us were made to feel worthless. The abuse was never physical, but it was emotional and psychological. And it scarred. 

I moved out of my parents' house into my aforementioned ex-boyfriend's house. He was also emotionally and psychologically abusive. And, for most of the time we co-habitated, he was out of work, so I took on the financial responsibility and incurred more than $7,000 in debt during the year and a half we lived together. 

When we parted ways, I moved into a townhouse that became infested with bedbugs, and, after that, into an apartment complex whose energy didn't vibe with mine. Maybe that's because, at the time, I was receiving (and allowing) a lot of negative male attention (and these men were in and out of my place). Maybe that's because a woman who lived in my building died of a drug overdose. Maybe that's because management raised my rent by $50+ a month every year, and, back then, $50 could literally make or break my budget.

In May of 2014, I moved into my current home. An adorable, side-by-side duplex in Lakewood. My neighbor's amazing (I affectionately refer to her as my West-side mom). My landlord is reliable and hasn't raised my rent. This place is the first place ever, in my entire life, that actually feels like home. I'm happy here, safe here, relaxed here. And I don't let everybody walk through its doors (so if you're one of the lucky ones, legit, feel lucky ;)). It's a haven. 

And I'm terrified, absolutely terrified, to give it up. 

***

Yesterday, one of my best friends and I attended an astrology workshop. Not only did the instructor, Lisa Turner, discuss our natal charts, (these never change and are calculated for the time, date, and geographical birthplace of a specific person), but also our charts in relation to Saturn's transit (December 2017 - March 2020). 

A few things about my natal chart that I found fascinating, and true, were:

+ I don't feel comfortable in crowds (I always attributed this to social anxiety, but it's nice to know where that social anxiety comes from. I was literally born with it.)

+ I make friends easily. I value my friendships and take them seriously. Many are long-term. (My friends are my family.)

+ I give myself tasks to fulfill. I create projects to make work for myself. (Explains my inability to sit still.)

As we started discussing my chart in relation to Saturn's transit, Lisa looked at me and said: "Do you base your worth on what you own or what you've worked for?" It took me a minute to answer her, because the things I own aren't extravagant things (nor do I aspire for them to be). But they're mine. 

My answer: "Yes. I've worked hard, really hard, for everything I have. No one's handed me anything." 

And then, because I'm me, I kept talking: "I'm terrified to lose those things, terrified to give them up. And that upsets me, because I want to get married, to build a life with someone, and I know, in order to do that, I'll have to. Give things up."

She smiled and said: "I love it when the way someone's feeling is reflected in their chart." (Me too, Lisa. Me too.)

She went on to tell me that, during Saturn's transit, I'll start letting go, learning to share, nurture intimacy, build the life I desire. Next year will be a year of deep transformations and emotional intimacy. I'll be confident and secure. My health will be good. I could travel, go back to school, or, if I'm writing, have a work published. 

***

I'd be lying if I said the last few years have been easy. Or fun. 

My mom's death was the catalyst for change: My priorities changed. My relationships changed. My outlook on life, death, and the afterlife changed. And for a while now, I've felt stuck, stagnant, frustrated, impatient. Like everything I want is just out of reach. I can see it. I can feel it. And, every once in a while, for a few hours at a time, I can touch it. But I can't keep it. 

There's always a silver lining, though, if we look hard enough for it. 

A few months ago, I started seeing the number 5 everywhere (it's the number of change). When I shuffle questions into my angel decks--about my love life, my health, or the future in general--a card that pops out consistently is "Big, Happy Changes." My mom's friend Ann summed up my last tarot reading by saying: "You've done the work. Now, you're just waiting for your ships to come in. And they will." And, during my last medium reading, I was told: "The great love you've been waiting for? He's coming. And he's coming soon."

But perhaps the best part is that my intuition, my inner knowing, tells me exactly the same thing. "Good things are coming, Katie. Good things are coming." And to have that validated by something like an astrology reading, which is more scientific and less ambiguous than numbers, angel cards, tarot cards, and mediumship, well, that makes me a true believer. 

***

This cosmic world view? I like it. A lot. 

It's not for everyone. But I hope each of you finds something, anything, to believe in, to trust, to hope for, to love. 

Sending you light and blessings as you navigate this Earthly journey. 

XOXO