Be Demanding

“There is no such thing as ‘deserving’ respect; you get what you demand from people. … It really is that simple.”  ~Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

I remember laughing out loud, while, at the same time, feeling very disturbed, as I read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. That line, though, is the only thing that stuck with me. And years later, I finally “get” what it means.

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I used to feel guilty when I’d stand up for myself. And on the rare occasion I did, I’d second guess my decision and end up apologizing—even groveling—for it later. It became a pattern. Don’t get upset. Don’t say how you feel. Don’t rock the boat. And that pattern led me to, and kept me in, a lot of abusive relationships. With significant others, with friends, with superiors, with coworkers.

Ultimately, that’s because I didn’t think I deserved better. I’ve written about this before, but saying I deserve better and actually BELIEVING it are two different things.

The first time I remember believing I deserved better was during a yoga session about a year and a half ago. I was pretty relaxed, in a meditative state, almost, and from somewhere deep inside, I heard my subconscious say: “I deserve a job where I’m respected, where I’m challenged in good ways, where my talents are recognized, where there’s opportunity for growth.”

And after I said that, and believed it, the universe conspired to make it happen. Now, I’m in a position where everything I wanted, knew I deserved, is reality. I walk into work, even on hectic, stressful days, loving my job. Loving the people I work with.

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It’s still easy for me to revert back to old patterns, though, especially in relationships with people I’m close to or care about. I allow things I shouldn’t. I make excuses for things that are inexcusable.

And there’s a fine line between finding fault with everything—because what I like isn’t necessarily what other people like; what annoys me isn’t necessarily what annoys other people—and compromising on things I shouldn’t.

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The epiphany I had today: Everyone has issues. But that’s not my fault. And I don’t have to make it my problem.

And what I want to do is surround myself with people who recognize their issues and are willing, and able, to work through them. Who look adversity in the eye and say: This is going to suck. So hard. But I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to overcome it. And in doing so, I’m going to grow into a better, more well-rounded person. 

Because that’s what I want for myself.

Here’s the amazing thing, though. Every person you meet along the way, every situation you allow yourself to be a part of, has a purpose. There’s a reason behind them. They teach you. For me, I’ve learned so many important lessons about who I was and who I want to become, where I came from and where I want to go. But ultimately, that decision is mine.

To pull from a previous blog entry: What matters is what I think of myself. Whether I believe I'm a person deserving of love, honesty, respect, and other positive things.

Do I believe it? Not quite. But I’m getting there, slowly but surely.

And I’ve discovered these are the keys:

• Listen to your body, to your intuition, because what she’s telling you is the truth.
• If you feel peace, calmness, after you make a decision, it was the right one.
• It’s important to tell yourself, every day, what you want (tricky part is you have to figure it out, and to figure it out, you have to live, allow yourself to be vulnerable, to make mistakes).
• Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve (even if you have to be demanding :)).