To Be Vulnerable Is To Be Human

“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy. ... Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~Brené Brown

Deflecting a serious situation with sarcasm. Laughing off a genuine compliment. Running from anything with amazing potential.

That was my life. For a very long time. Because dealing, accepting, embracing made me vulnerable. And being vulnerable meant I could get hurt.

But I got hurt anyway, sometimes because of those with whom I associated or that which I allowed, but mostly because pain is part of life.

***

Learning to “own it” was a gradual process, but one that seemed to happen overnight.

One minute I was hiding my bulimia, the next I was embracing it (everyone who knows me [or reads my blog] is aware that I had an eating disorder in my late teens and early 20s). Same with my anxiety disorder and OCD, as well as that which triggers one, the other, or both.

I’m okay with these parts of my story. And a lot of others, too. But some—like acknowledging my wants, needs, insecurities, and fears—are works in progress.

I want people to like me, to tell me I’m pretty, smart, funny, kind. I need people to understand who I am and what makes me tick (because they’re observant and because they care).

Funny, somehow, that my wants and needs fuel my insecurities. What if people don’t like me? What if they don’t think I’m pretty or funny or smart or kind? What if they’ll never understand who I am or what makes me tick (because they’re not observant and because they don’t care)?

I fear I’ll never be enough, that I’ll never get what I want or what I need, that I’ll never overcome my insecurities.

***

And that was me, embracing my vulnerability. Because I’m not willing to give up on love and belonging and joy.

Because sometimes, I have to give people the benefit of the doubt, to believe the best of them, to stop expecting them to disappoint me. Because sometimes, I have to get lost to find my way, to find myself.

***

I don’t know where life will lead me, but I have to live it. And I have to let it lead me somewhere. To the bad, scary, crazy places so I can appreciate the good, safe, calm ones.

Because it’s only after we explore the darkness that we can discover the light. Happy travels, everyone.