"To forgive is
the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold
peace and happiness." ~Robert Muller
Winter is my least
favorite season. I hate it, actually. It’s cold. It’s dark. It’s ugly. It’s
lonely. And when I’m alone on these ugly, dark, cold evenings, I think. A lot.
Last year, and all
the years before it, thinking led me to crying. And crying led me to
sobbing—uncontrollably, at times, and usually on my kitchen floor—about
everything that was wrong with my life.
And, obviously if it
got to that point, there wasn’t much going right.
Maybe that’s a bit
dramatic, but I wasn’t completely off base.
***
I was reading old
journal entries tonight and came across this gem from July 2011: "I was a
broken, unhappy person for a long time, and as a result, I made poor life
choices."
Mostly, those
consisted of unhealthy relationships, whether with friends, family, colleagues,
or significant others.
I hurt people along
the way. I took advantage of their kindness, their loyalty, their love. I lied
to them, cheated on them, used them.
What’s worse, part of
me didn’t—couldn’t—fully comprehend how much pain I was inflicting. Or how much
bad karma I was accruing.
***
2011 was a year that
changed my life. It almost broke me.
My mom was sick. I
consider her the heart of our family, and when she was beating irregularly, it
wreaked havoc on the rest of us.
I was betrayed by
someone I loved very much. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. But I
didn’t, and it devastated me.
An ex-boyfriend
resurfaced and started playing the same old games. But I wasn’t a strong enough
opponent to put up a fair fight.
A pest-control
problem at my last residence shattered what little confidence I had left. Not
to mention my ability to sleep, like, at all. Maybe it really was going to hell
in a hand basket.
That bad karma? I
paid up for all of it in 2011.
***
The experiences left
me angry. Angry at everyone else, but (and this took me a while to realize)
mostly at myself.
Because I deserved
all of this, didn’t I? It was payback for the horrible things I’d done to other
people.
Finally, thanks to a
tarot card reading and my sister’s interpretations, I realized an angry person
isn’t one who’s capable of forgiveness, and in order to forgive others, first,
I’d have to forgive myself. And I did, slowly but surely.
In that same journal
entry from July 2011, I wrote:
"If I were an
outsider looking in at myself, my life, I’d say: "She’s a good person who does
her best. She’s made some mistakes, but they shouldn’t define her.'"
***
And once I forgave
myself, it became a lot easier to forgive others.
Because sometimes,
people can’t be who you want or need them to be. They aren’t strong enough to
admit their faults or shortcomings, to deal with their problems without drugs
or alcohol. Because sometimes, people are going to hurt you, disappoint you,
betray you. They don’t love or respect themselves, which makes it damn near
impossible for them to love or respect you.
And those people,
well, they need your forgiveness the most.
***
The ex-boyfriend I
mentioned above, it used to be whenever someone brought him up, I'd roll my
eyes and say: "God. Do you remember the time he [did something unkind] to
me?" And then we'd talk about it for at least 10 minutes.
But when my mom asked
about him recently, I said instead: "You know, he’s just a broken person,
and I don’t think he’s ever going to fix himself." I didn’t realize until
that moment I’d forgiven him. I’d let go of the hurt associated with that relationship and replaced it with peace. Peace that I’d
know him. Peace that he helped me change my life.
He and so many
others. I believe those who hurt us deeply affect us greatly. They’re the ones
we’re meant to learn from, grow from. But we can’t do that unless we stop being
angry and start practicing forgiveness. Because forgiveness begets
peace and happiness.
***
In time, maybe I’ll
find it in my heart to forgive Winter, too, for her coldness, her darkness, her
ugliness, her loneliness. (At least she doesn't make me cry anymore.) … On second thought, maybe not. I’m only human, after
all. J
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