Happiness Is a Choice

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time." ~Anna Freud

The following are excerpts from a couple of my old journal entries:

...In order for me to feel pretty, skinny, smart, fun, I needed attention from men. As a result, I would pursue them, try to capture them, these men I never really wanted in the first place. I used their attention to validate myself, and I just don't want to be like that anymore. 

 ...What matters is what I think of myself. Whether I believe I'm a person deserving of love, honesty, respect, and other positive things. 

The first entry served as an epiphany of sorts. I knew I was the type of girl who always had a boyfriend--and if I didn't, there was someone (or several someones) waiting in the wings--but I never understood why. Until I wrote that paragraph in August 2011.

The second entry, from June 2011, was my conclusion to an argument I was having with myself regarding an ex's true feelings. (Think: "He loved me. He loved me not.") I didn't realize it until I reread them tonight, but I repeat those sentences, in some form or another, to myself or other people on a consistent basis. Because they're absolutely true.

***

There's so much (avoidable) unhappiness in this world. Too many of us stay in relationships that aren't fulfilling and in jobs we hate. We buy houses and cars we can't afford to impress people we don't like. We start a family because that's what we're "supposed to do," not because we're really interested in becoming good parents and raising healthy, well-rounded children. And when the things we're told will make us happy don't, we attempt to fill voids (by having an emotional affair or an unhealthy obsession with our weight, or by staying so active we don't have time to think about anything, least of all how much we don't like the path we've chosen).

For some of us, this continues a lifetime. Why, I'm not sure, but I think, in part, it's because people don't believe they have options.

My sister once told me (at a time in my life when, after she'd said it, I looked at her like she was insane and seriously considered slapping some sense into her, because she obviously had no idea what she was talking about): "You always have choices. You might not like any of them, but you always have them."

But these days, I know she was speaking the truth.

Stay or leave? Go into debt or downgrade and start saving (or at least stop stressing)? Have children you're not sure you want or break tradition and get yourself a dog family instead? Those are decisions we have the power to make, each and every day.

Let me preface this by saying that my life is far from perfect. I have issues, neurosis, and insecurities. And I need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend just as much as the next person. But despite that, I've become confident in my ability to take care of and rely on myself. To get my strength and confidence from within instead of depending on other people to provide them for me.

It wasn't easy. And it's an ongoing process (something that continues forever, I think). But when I look back at myself a few years ago, at this wretched girl sobbing on her kitchen floor about her lackluster life, I don't recognize her. Just like she wouldn't have recognized me, as I am now.

And if I can do it, anyone can. Anyone can choose to stop filling voids and actually deal with their issues, to stop blaming others for their unhappiness and start being responsible for their actions and their feelings. Because, at the end of the day, it isn't anyone else's fault you chose the path you chose, and it isn't anyone else's responsibility to make you happy, secure, or self-confident.

Realizing this is so freeing. And, once you embrace it, amazingly powerful, too.

*** 

A very long time ago, when asked where people go when they die, my mom said to me: "I believe you make your own heaven or hell here on Earth, Katie." Another true statement (albeit it has, in my opinion, nothing to do with religion [and yes, my family's full of beautiful, intelligent women :)]), and definitely something worth considering.