Inferiority Complex

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

For a very long time, I thought Ms. Roosevelt was out of her mind. So much so, I got into a heated debate with one of my ex-boyfriends (that ended with me in tears) after I accused him of making me feel insecure, and he argued that "no one can make you feel a certain way, Katie." 

Granted, this was after he pointed out the cellulite on my stomach, knowing I have body image issues and used to suffer from an eating disorder. But (and part of me still hates to admit this), he was right. 

People can only hurt you, manipulate you, take advantage of you, or drag you down if you let them. If you hand over your power and say: "Here you go! Do with it what you please."

I know that's dramatic, because most of the time, loss of power happens gradually, and people don't realize it's gone until it's too late. And it can take years, or a lifetime, to get that power back, if it happens at all. 

I'm not sure when I lost my power, but if I had to make an educated guess, I'd say it was around the time I turned 15 and realized boys weren't nearly as disgusting as I used to think they were. And when they started flirting with me, naturally, I wanted them to like me, so I molded myself into whom I thought they'd approve of, never really having opinions of my own. 

This continued, in some form or another, for years, until shortly before my 30th birthday, when I (finally) decided enough was enough and made an appointment with a counselor. I'd been to counselors before, but none who came as highly recommended (or recommended at all) as the one I'm seeing now, and never at a time when I was willing to be honest with myself, about myself. 

And I can tell you from experience, a combination like that, well, it makes all the difference. I truly believe I'm a much better, more confident person than I was a year ago. And I love that. :)

The thing I've been struggling with lately, though, is how to deal with relationships I forged pre-counseling with people who don't "get" where I'm at now. Or, if they do, they don't necessarily like it, approve of it, or accept it.

I think because most people have been overwhelmingly supportive of my growth, it catches me off guard when someone expresses dislike or annoyance with who I've become, or tries to drag me back down to where I used to be. 

This has happened to me twice recently, by people who, in my opinion, didn't realize what it was they were doing. They miss the fun, carefree Katie who lived for today and didn't plan for tomorrow, who acted first and thought second, who was the life of the party, not the mom trying to clean up everyone else's mess. 

And truth be told, I miss that Katie sometimes, too. But I don't miss the repercussions of her behavior, and I can honestly say I never want to go back to being that person. Because nowadays, what I approve of for myself, and who I want to be, mean so much more to me than other people's opinions. 

So then, I came to the realization that just because I want something for someone, doesn't necessarily mean they want it for themselves. I didn't think those wants came from a selfish place, because they were things like, "I wish you could move on from that relationship and allow yourself to be happy, either by yourself or with someone else," or "I wish you'd stop running from your problems long enough to see the beauty that surrounds you, every single day." 

But regardless of whether I mean well, I shouldn't expect other people to live their lives the way I want them to, or the way I hope they will.

It's something I've been very conscious of lately, making sure I don't insert my opinion about things that are none of my business. And, in turn, I've started taking a step back from relationships, or completely severing ties with people who leave me feeling anxious, inadequate, or insecure. 

Because at the end of the day, I know who I am. I'm a good girl with a wild streak, a hard worker and a loyal friend, a fan of wheat beer and white wine, a foodie with body image issues (but not severe enough anymore to keep me from indulging in Swenson's cheeseburgers or Melt's gourmet grilled cheeses), a writer and a reader, a traveler who hates to fly (or to go through airport security, at least), a party-planner extraordinaire (or I like to think so), an anxiety-ridden basket case (not too often anymore, thankfully :)) who's sometimes stubborn to a fault.

And I've changed my mind about Ms. Roosevelt. ... I think she's a genius, and I hope more people realize the truth behind that quote. That your life and your happiness, and those with whom you choose to share them, are always within your control.