Imperfectly Perfect

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." ~Anna Quindlen

Perfectionism is something I've struggled with my entire life. 

Anything less than an A wasn't good enough. All throughout school (elementary through college), test-taking made me physically ill. So did knowing I wasn't grasping a subject well enough--no matter how much I studied--to achieve my perfect grade. 

Anything more than 125 pounds was too much. I struggled with an eating disorder from the age of 15 through my early 20s. It vacillated from anorexia to bulimia and back again.

Anything less than a perfectly written story, with no grammatical or factual errors, was unacceptable. I worked as a reporter for a small community newspaper after I graduated from college, and I used check and recheck my work for hours before I turned it in. Once, I penned a source's wife's name incorrectly, and when he emailed me after a story ran to inform me of the error, I went in the bathroom and cried.

Although I've come a long way over the past year--thanks to a great counselor and a lot of hard work on my part--perfectionism is still something that afflicts me. 

I have to be the perfect employee and the best friend. I have to give more than I take. My house should be spotless. My work should be impeccable. My relationships should be flawless. My waist should be smaller. My hair should be straighter. My words should be kinder. My patience should be greater.

And sometimes, those things are impossible. Sometimes, I make a mistake at work, can't be there for a friend when he/she needs me to be, take more than I give, have a house that's covered in dog hair and dirty clothes overflowing my laundry basket, choose French fries instead of an apple or watching TV over working out, say things out of anger or frustration, lose my temper. 

And that happens because I'm human, not super-human. Logically, I know this, but some days (today being one of them), I still struggle with believing I'm enough, just as I am, imperfections and all. 

Is it really okay to have a bad day, to be down on myself and the current state of my affairs (even though nothing is really that wrong), to be stubborn and moody, to choose not to be the bigger person?

Yes. Yes it is. ...

The difficult part about giving up on perfection is that I've lost--and will probably continue to lose--people along the way. People I thought were important, and, once upon a time, they really were. 

But the amazing part is realizing how many people love me in spite of my imperfections. Or maybe because of them. That they believe who I am, the woman I've grown into, is amazing just as she is, flaws and all. 

It's time that I stop fixating on being perfect, and instead, focus on finding the beauty in imperfection. Because really, that's what life is all about.