Growth: Always an Option, Never a Guarantee

"Change is inevitable. Growth is optional." ~John C. Maxwell

For me, a life change usually highlights two things: how much I've accomplished and, at the same time, how much I haven't.

The last significant event--prior to my very recent job change--that affected me to the point of panic attacks, second guessing myself and my decisions, and clinging to that which was familiar was in 2010, when I ended a relationship, moved into my own apartment, and tried to make a life for myself, by myself.

At the same time I was berating myself for being 28 and single (seriously, how did that happen?!), I was commending myself for being brave enough to end a relationship that was unhealthy and unfulfilling, for giving myself a shot at happiness at some point in the future.

While I struggled to pay my bills every single month, I was proud of the fact that I was supporting myself. Not everyone can say that about themselves, and, for whatever reason, it built my self-esteem and confidence in a way nothing else has.

But because of these changes, I realized, looking back, I clung to things I shouldn't have, for the simple fact that they were familiar, comfortable, when nothing else was.

One of those was a relationship characterized by lies and manipulation from the get-go. Others were friendships that were either unhealthy or had run their courses a long time ago. In both instances, though, I was too afraid to let go of people who'd been a significant part of my life for a significant amount of time. 

Another was my job, which I enjoyed and (like to think I) was good at, but wasn't always ideal for a plethora of reasons. And finally, there were the cycles I continued to repeat. Over and over again, because I couldn't figure out how to break them.

Until I started counseling (those of you who read my blog on a consistent basis knew that was coming :)). And through it, I've been given tools that help me live a better life.

Nowadays, I'm not blind to that which triggers anxiety. Change. Change. And more change. But seeing that, and acknowledging it, is half the battle. Because once I see it, I can deal with it and manage it by doing things that are healthy (yoga) as opposed to unhealthy (drinking a lot of wine).

I'm also not blind to the fact that, during these times of change, I cling to things and relationships that are familiar. 

Therein lies my conundrum lately. Is that okay? Or do I need to make adjustments, especially because I’m aware of the fact that it’s gotten extremely difficult for me to associate with that which is unhealthy.

Especially with people who, after multiple conversations to explain how I feel (part of the honest, let's-deal-with-it Katie as opposed to the passive-aggressive, let's-ignore-it-Katie), continue to associate my behavior of today with my behavior of yesterday, or continue to, however subtly, manipulate or take advantage of me.

I've also noticed it's more and more difficult to continue to lead a horse to water, so to speak, but watch him, time and time again, refuse to drink.

But then I realized just because I notice a pattern of behavior, just because someone else's path to happiness is clear to me, doesn't mean they'll ever change, doesn't mean they'll ever see it the way I do.

And that's okay, because, of all those I’ve met and known throughout the years, very few have touched my heart or shaped my life. And sometimes, it's enough to be able to enjoy those people's company, to be there for them, than it is to force them to "see the light." And every once in a while, they might need me just a little more than I need them.

So to be conscious of a pattern is one thing, but to be confident in myself, in who I've become, is something else entirely. To know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can handle whatever life, or the people in mine, throw at me, is something I strive for, and I feel like, through change, I get closer and closer to that goal.

Because change, it's the only constant. But growth from that change, it's optional. And I'm choosing to grow.